Get the early years of raising your children right, and homeschooling will be much easier.
Read MoreWhy Are Children Struggling to Grow Up?
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The other day I flew to Istanbul, and I had my eyes shut on the plane so I could rest a little. A child kept crying at the top of his lungs. Thinking he must be young, I wondered why his mother had left him alone like that.
But when I opened my eyes, I found he wasn't young at all. He looked like he was about nine-or-ten-years-old.
I often see older children behaving like two-or-three-year-olds and wonder how the parents can tolerate such difficult behavior.
Why don't we teach our children to grow up? Is it because the messages parents receive today are not in the best interest of raising a child to become a mature, responsible adult?
Parents are told things like, "he'll grow out of his tantrums, just be patient," or "don't squash his spirit," or "that's so wonderful that you let him express his feelings."
But are these the right messages? Do they pan out in real life?
No, they don't.
Bad Behavior
It's a myth that children grow out of bad behavior, but they do grow spoiled, ill-mannered, and impossible when they are not taught to behave correctly.
Squash a Spirit
Yes, you can indeed squash a child's spirit if you aren't careful, but you don't squash a child's spirit by teaching him good manners. On the contrary, you'll give his spirit the freedom to soar because it won't be hindered with discontents that arise from expecting to get his way all the time.
Express One’s Feelings
Expressing one's feelings is a modern attitude that hasn't served us well either. Yes, one has feelings, and many emotions will be felt like love and joy and grief and sorrow. But a preoccupation with how we feel over the consideration of others will not support harmonious relationships.
We are so concerned with our own feelings that we forget to concern ourselves with how our spouses might feel, how our children might feel, or how the person we just cut off on the freeway might feel.
I'm not suggesting that we should deny our feelings, but only that maybe we've gone a little too far in our preoccupation with teaching a child to "express" his feelings.
The Buzz Word
We speak a lot about good character; it's become a sort of buzz word. We presume that teaching our children to understand their feelings will build their characters, but this is incorrect.
Children think very concretely, so trying to teach a four-year-old about his feelings is like teaching a horse to bark. Children can't understand abstract concepts like their "feelings."
Nor can we teach a child to have good character. We can raise a child to choose to behave well, but we can't make a child do anything.
Ironically, the key to developing good character is to learn self-control. Without self-control, we are at the mercy of our passions.
One approach to teaching a child a child self-control is to say no to your child more than you say yes. This approach has nothing to do with feelings and everything to do with reigning in one’s passions.
Ironically, children are happier when you say no to them more than you say yes.
Consider this: to appreciate something truly, we have to get it in less frequent doses. When we have something all the time, we lose the ability to enjoy it as fully and deeply because we've forgotten what life was like without it.
It's one of the ironies in life, not being able to appreciate what we have with all of our heart until we no longer have it, especially when it comes to those we love.
A husband never appreciates his wife more than he does when she goes away for a weekend and leaves him with the children. A wife never appreciates her husband more than when he's away on a business trip, and she has no support at home.
And a child never appreciates an ice cream cone more than when he hasn't had one in a long time.
“I can no other answer make but thanks, and thanks, and ever thanks.”
It's not always convenient to say no to a child. You may have to deal with a tantrum, rude behavior in a public place, or something else which is why our default is usually a “yes”.
But is it helpful in the long run? Not really. The extra time you take to say no and teach your child self-control will save you both a lot of grief later. You child may moan and groan, but over time he'll be a more content child because of it because he’ll have learned some self-control.
Therefore, one of the ways to raise a happier child is to learn to say no to your child more than you say yes. Teach him to accept things as they come, even when they are the opposite of what he expects them to be.
And teach him to appreciate what he has by giving him less of it.
Adopt this simple parenting habit, and you will help your child grow into a mature adult and live a more content life.
Children are too indulged today, which is why they are struggling to grow up.
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Elizabeth Y. Hanson is an educator, veteran homeschooler and a Love and Leadership certified parenting coach with 17 years experience working in children’s education.
Using her unusual skill set, she has developed a comprehensive and unique understanding of how to raise and educate a child, and she devotes her time to help parents get it right.
Disclaimer: This is not a politically-correct blog.
A Simple Home Adjustment to Nurture Lifelong Sibling Friendships
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We have happiness down to a science now: a fulfilling marriage, a tight-knit family, supportive friends, and meaningful work.
(A tall order, possibly?)
There is one element, though, that's more vital than the others; it's the element of a loving family.
You may not have the most dynamic marriage in the world, you may not have the most fulfilling work, you may not even have a lot of supportive friends, but if you've got a solid family, you have a haven of people you love and who love you and who's company brings you comfort.
“The strength of family isn’t determined by the number of members, but rather by the amount of love given and received.”
And that’s a lot.
But what makes for a loving family? Many things do but the vital component we tend to overlook fostering is closeness. The siblings in solid families tend to be close to one another.
One of the ways you can foster closeness amongst siblings is by having them share a bedroom.
When did this idea that every child needed a separate room creep into our society? We used to build smaller homes and larger yards and have more closely-knit families.
The children shared bedrooms, and they had a lot of space outside for play and exploration.
Now we build bigger homes with miniature yards, and each child is tucked away into his private bedroom.
6 Advantages to Shared Bedrooms
Sharing a bedroom with a sibling provides a child with many advantages including a closeness you won't get living down the hall from one another.
1) Sharing a bedroom teaches a child to be considerate.
Unless he wants to battle constantly with his sibling, a child quickly learns to keep his things where they belong and to respect another persons' space.
2) Sharing a bedroom fosters the habit of sharing
Children share bedrooms, so sharing is a daily event in their lives. They learn to share a small space, and they figure out how they have to behave to get along with one another in this little space.
After all, someday they will grow up and either be a co-worker, a roommate, or a spouse, all of which require learning to share close-quarters peacefully.
3) Night time chats build closeness
“We didn’t realize we were making memories, we just knew we were having fun. ”
Kids will stay up at night chatting after the lights are out.
After hours conversations are crucial bonding time when kids discuss things that happened during the day, or maybe they talk about things they'll do tomorrow, or they confidentially share their dreams for the future.
If you're worried that your children won't get enough sleep, and if you know they are going to chat after hours (while pretending you are unawares), you might consider putting them to bed a half an hour earlier rather than battle with them to be quiet at night.
4) Negotiating the problems
Sometimes they even fight in their bedroom, and they learn how to resolve their squabbles without parental intervention. Unsupervised disagreements teach them the art of negotiation, which is a vital skill to acquire. Life is a series of negotiations.
5) Developing independent spirits
Bedroom time is their private time away from the supervision of the adults where siblings can discuss and do anything they want, within reason. It fosters a sense of independence which is important for a life well lived.
6) The Boogey Man
Some children feel uncomfortable at night and may even wake up in the middle of the night, but having a sibling in the room quiets this discomfort and makes them feel safe.
It's a funny phenomenon that having someone else in the room makes us feel safe even if the person is too young or too old to protect us. It's not any different for a child.
A Family of Best Friends
Recently, I went to the wedding of a young woman I've known since she was a child. Each of her sisters spoke at her wedding. They each spoke about different things, but there was a common theme.
The theme was one of friendship. Each of the girls referred to her sisters as her "best" friends.
“Friends come and go, but brothers (sisters) are forever.”
They were from a low-income family who could only afford a two-bedroom apartment. One room was for the parents, and the other room was for the three girls.
The girls spoke about how they stayed up after the lights went out chatting about everything from what they would wear the next day to who they would marry when they grew up.
Would they have been as close if they'd grown up in a 4000 Sq ft house, and each girl had a separate bedroom?
I would bet my life that they would not.
With the breakdown of family bonds today, you want to do everything you can to ensure your children are close friends. Having them share a bedroom is one way to accomplish this.
People want bigger and bigger houses today, but smaller homes are where the stronger bonds are built.
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Elizabeth Y. Hanson is a Love and Leadership certified parenting coach with 17 years experience working in children’s education.
